Well actually, this time last week would have been Color Day, but then I hurt my back, and lifting my arms above my own head would have resulted in bloodcurdling screams, and possibly a trip to the ER. I'm talking about hair color here, by the way. So I didn't do it. There was always Vicodin of course, but I didn't think drug-induced hair color was such a great idea. I could have passed out and knocked myself unconscious in the sink.
So. The color on the box is red. The name on the box is some kind of red. We'll see if what comes out is even remotely red. Because boxes lie. They sell all the boxes that don't lie to the hairdressers. It did start to turn orange as it sat on my hair, which is a promising sign.
It's about time to go rinse it off . . . but then it will have to dry, which will take a couple of hours or so. In the meantime I will tell you all the fascinating details of my evening.
One very important thing, which gives this experience a frightening element of surprise and abject terror is . . . that I bought . . . a DIFFERENT BRAND. Why on earth would I do this, you say? Subject myself to the complete unknown? Because lurking in every box of hair color lies who knows what? There can be only one answer. In the entire wall, of boxes of haircolor, there was only one color that I wanted. And it was an OTHER brand. What could I do? I WAS AT THEIR MERCY!!
I opened it suspiciously, and my worst fears were confirmed. Where was the little container of conditioner that goes on the dry ends of my hair? Nada. None! Well FINE, I will just use some of my own, since they were too cheap to give me any. And Good Lord. Where is the tube of conditioner that you get to have and use for the next couple of weeks? You've got to be kidding me!! It's the size of a fast food condiment! This is going to cover about one tenth of my hair, if I use both of them. I am sooo not impressed.
Now normally, two boxes of hair color will cover my hair. Oh, I'm being punished for buying the OTHER brand! I KNEW IT! The bottle is smaller, and the stuff comes out like water, not the thick stuff I'm used to, the kind that goes a long way. This is really not looking good. I don't see how on earth it's going to cover all of this hair. What am I supposed to do now, drive to Walgreens with no shirt on except my color cape, orange goo hair piled on top of my head, and my clear plastic gloves, and purchase another one? Even in my neighborhood, this would be questionable. I may end up with two toned hair, and not in a good way.
And the instructions! After coloring the roots: Comb out the color onto the rest of the hair. HAHAHAHAHAHA. MY HAIR DOESN'T GET COMBED. Only when there is a quart of conditioner on it, and under hot running water, does it get combed, and that is with a big fat comb! I have ridiculously thick curly hair that grows in little tiny corkscrews, and they all wind around each other. One bottle barely covered the roots. I'm in big trouble here. I just pile my dreadlocked hair on top of my head, and squeeze the second bottle for all it's worth, and just keep glomming it all around until I think it's covered.
At this point, I read the box to see how long to leave this mess on. The first thing the instructions say: Do Not Rub the hair color into the scalp. What? Don't rub it? How exactly would I spread it around? And what happens if I do? Since I already did! . . . Is it going to fall out? Break off? Turn some other color? I HATE REVLON!! There. I said it. Spiteful, stupid, evil Revlon, and their dumb hair color. Bad, OTHER brand. Never again.
Time to rinse the stuff out. First you have to lather it all up like it's a shampoo, and then rinse it forever. I manage to get all the lather out of my eyes after a while, and I open them. BLOOD!!! MURDER!!! OMG!! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!! Wait. It always looks like this. I don't know why I forget in between hair colors. The shower splashes it all over, and it looks like everything is covered with blood, including running down ME, and I have a Psycho moment. Okay, I've pulled myself together. Well this was just a more realistic red, that's all. The last color was more purple. I convinced myself I wasn't standing in a bathtub full of blood, and look at things a little more analytically. It's not a bad color . . . it's not bright orange. It's kind of like a muddish reddish color.
Then the more that comes out of my hair, it looks purple. I convince myself that standing in a tub of wine might not be a bad thing. After all, people squash grapes with their feet, right? I always thought that was a little creepy, but it's considered normal. I wait for the water to run clear. And I wait, and I rinse, and rinse. It's not clear, and it's not going to be. I rinse some more. All right, I'm sick of this rinsing business and now it's time for conditioner. I get my little condiment containers, and they each hold about a teaspoon of stuff. Yeah, that covered about 2 square inches. Well it's a lucky thing that I had a huge pump jar of my own! I'd have been in a huge pickle, all right. Now I start rinsing, and more color comes out, and more and more... And I rinse, and I rinse and that's it, I'm getting out. I will just have to remember to wear a shirt I don't like, in case it gets oranged.
Well, the roots are definitely red! That was the gray/white part, so of course it looks red. The rest of my hair was pretty dark, so it's still dark. Tall people, the ones that see the top of my head, will see some red hair. Other people, that see the rest of my head . . . I don't know. I'm guessing it will look red in the sun. I don't really spend time in the sun, so It will look best on the way from the car into the grocery store.
I suppose the really good question here, is why on earth do I do this myself? Do I enjoy a challenge? No.
The reason is, I can't afford it, it just doesn't fit into my budget - now that I know what a budget is and I have one. I really need a better job, so that I can support this head of hair.
